A trip on the train (a lesson in Nervous System Co-Regulation)
adminOn Friday I took a train with my granddaughter. We missed our initial train due to extraordinarily heavy traffic and ended up on a later train. Then coming back I missed the first train by seconds and was thinking this is definitely not my day for catching trains. A friend messaged me “perhaps you’re not meant to be on that train”… I think she might have been right.
On the return journey as I was sat reading I became aware of someone speaking very loudly into their mobile phone. My first thought was that it was just one of those people who shouts on the phone. Feeling slightly irritated I tried to resume reading, then I noticed phrases ….”you threw me out”…”I ended up in a hostel”…”you’ll be sorry when you lose your eldest son”… The young lad on the phone was facing the window and sobbing. He was clearly shouting because he was distressed and emotional.
He was accompanied by two friends, a girl and another boy. All three looked to be late teens/early twenties.
When he ended his call, he and his two friends were still speaking loudly and a man across the aisle from me stood up and shouted something along the lines of “can you keep it down, there are other people on this train”.
This provoked a reaction and the young lad and the girl started to shout back at the man who’d asked them to pipe down. “It’s called public transport…if you don’t like it go sit somewhere else”. A back and forth started and so I got up, leaving all my belongings at my seat and walked forward a few seats to where the youngsters were. “Is it ok if I talk to you for a minute?” I asked the lad who’s been on the phone. “Leave him!” said the girl. “It’s ok, I just want to talk to him for a minute” I turned back to him and resumed “I just want to talk to you, I’ve got boys of my own. Can I sit next to you for a minute?”
I sat down and explained “I’d like to show you something I think will help you feel calmer. It’s what I do for a job. Can I show you?” He nodded. I took his hand and tapped gently explaining what I was doing and he started to calm down. “I can see you’re having a difficult time” I said. He sobbed and hugged me tightly. We sat for a minute or two with him hugging and releasing me. “I just wanted to give you a bit of love” I explained. “Thank you” he responded hugging me again. He smelled strongly of alcohol and was clearly drunk as well as emotional.
As I stood to leave him, the girl was still yelling at the man across from my seat “you don’t know what other people have got going on in their lives”. With hindsight I should have said ‘you’re right and we don’t know what that man has going on in his life either’ but I wasn’t quick witted enough, so I merely tried to reassure her “It’s ok, it’s ok” and she too calmed down. “You’re okay, you came over all respectful like” she said to me. I nodded and returned to my seat.
As I approached my seat I asked the man who’d been yelled at if he was ok…he just stared at me angrily and said yes.
For the remainder of the journey things were a bit more settled, until their stop when they stood up and decided to get all gobby again shouting at the man near me “you’re lucky you are”…but they got off the train without further incident.
As I got off at my station the man who’d been subjected to abuse from the youngsters was in front of me and I overheard him telling someone else he was some kind of Transport Police for another network – on station, not on the trains.
So why am I writing this? Because there are lessons here for all of us….
- Missing a train might be exactly what is supposed to happen and you might just end up exactly where you are meant to be.
- Just because you are used to telling people what to do (eg as a police officer) doesn’t mean it is necessarily a good way to handle things
- Shouting at drunk and emotional people is likely to escalate not de-escalate a situation
- Use your super powers 😉
We all have super powers … mine is that I am basically a ‘little old lady’ …I’m a 5ft 3ins, small built, 63 year old, with greying hair. This means that I am mostly invisible (not helpful when trying to order a drink at a bar) but more importantly, non-threatening. Combined with my grandma/mum energy, at worst I’ll be told to get lost… so I was never in any danger…but at best some gentle acceptance and bit of love can calm things down.
Although all this felt very natural and automatic, there’s science behind what happened. Nervous System Mirroring is where mirror neurons in the brain help us copy the mood and stress levels of the person next to us. When we are calm and centred, we can influence the people around us through co-regulation. Tone of voice and micro-expressions will contribute to this. In this incident, my own nervous system regulation was doing the heavy lifting – allowing the youngsters to accept my presence. The simple emotional freedom technique used with the boy helped by lowering the stress hormones, cortisol and adrenalin, and a hug helped by producing a cascade of feel-good chemicals and feelings of safety.
So be aware of your own nervous system, it might be one of your super powers too.
